We married young, we were just shy of our 21st birthdays. Young, naive and in-love. We spent our first 7 months of marriage in a small one bedroom apartment with a kitchen the size of most women's closets! I remember spending that first week fixing the most wonderful meals I could think of to impress the man I loved: Chicken Kiev, French Dip Sandwiches, Cashew Chicken just to name a few. My all time favorite was dessert. I could make a spectacular homemade cheesecake that you could die for! That was the beginning of a long love affair. I was good in the kitchen! My downfall was dishes. I detested doing dishes. Why did I have to clean up the mess when I made these wonderful meals? Yep dishes....there wasn't a place to even hide them if I wanted to.
The next 5 months took us into the end of our 1st year together. We had already experienced what most newlyweds shouldn't have to endure, our first miscarriage. Dealing with the loss of a little soul when you are still trying to figure out who you are with this other human being was almost too much to bear, but it brought us together in a very unique way. We had this grief we both experienced, each differently in our own way but together. It was a bond formed, both knowing that ultimately in the end, we would one day be reunited with the little soul that had come and left so suddenly.
We celebrated our 1st anniversary with a little party and the remnant cake from our original wedding cake. Beer, friends, music and laughter made for some great memories. One celebration led to the next celebration of finding out I was once again pregnant, just shy of our 22nd birthdays. What on earth were we, two young pups, going to do with another human being that would come into this world so needy and vulnerable? I was the one feeling needy and vulnerable! I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Although at that point I probably would have told you different, I was young and naive and thought I knew it all.
The next few years brought us 4 more children and an ectopic pregnancy.
Parenting makes you a different person. You have to give up a lot of the things you want or could do if you were single. Your focus isn't self-centered anymore because now you have little eyes watching and mimicking what you do and say. Sometimes that may even mean those little things you would be horrified if anyone knew you did or said them.
Fast forward 211 birthday cakes, 32 + years of diapers and pullups, 112 tubes of toothpaste 10 times the number of toothbrushes your average family would purchase; and you come to the present.....
You would think with all that experience I would be able to write a How to manual on parenting. Truth is, I wouldn't even begin to pretend I have it all figured out. Each child brings with him/her different nuances and personalities, good and bad and as a parent you have to figure out how to deal with those little sinful, human beings and not lose your cool. If you haven't noticed there aren't dozens of Mom of the Year Awards lining my fireplace mantle. No first place ribbons, no shiny trophies to display and pride myself on because of my innate ability to be a fantastic mother.
Nope, I have failed miserably more times than I can count. I'm sure my older children could give you almost every detailed account of those miserable times that I would prefer to forget. The good thing is I can say that from quite a few of those experiences I have grown and learned from my mistakes and by the grace of God and His forgiveness I can go on and be a better mother than I was 25 years ago.
I doubt I will ever have this thing figured out fully.
That's okay that I don't have it all figured out either, that's not my job.
~ She Said
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